My daughter is 16 years old. Until the age of 15, she had not met with guys and, in my opinion, had a complex on this score. In August 2016, she met two guys and started dating one of them. I immediately drew attention to it, because it shone with happiness like a "copper basin". But, unfortunately, this first love was very difficult for her health. Due to the difficult relationship, she suffered depression and even had a suicide attempt. She did not have sexual relations with boys. And I talked about this with her. And she knows that children should not give birth to children, everything in this life has its own time. Observed by a psychotherapist, took antidepressants. Thank God this nightmare is over. But now another problem has arisen. My daughter begins to insist that I let her go to bed with her friends, but my husband and I do not want our child to sleep at home. I allow her friends to spend the night with us and explain to my daughter that I am 100% sure that her friends in our house are completely safe. And if parents of girlfriends do not care where their children spend the night, then this is their problem, my child under 18 should sleep at home, because I really love her, I don’t want anyone to cause her any trouble and bear criminal responsibility for her. But unfortunately, she does not hear my arguments and "oppresses" her policy. She had already done everything twice so as not to come home to spend the night and stay with her friend, and she put us just before the fact. Once, on her birthday, 16 years old, I let her go to bed with her friend on condition that this was the last time, but yesterday she again told me that she was invited to bed with her friends and there would be two of them and there would be two more boys - their friends . I was very outraged. I tried to explain to her that this was not right and that it was wrong to do so. This does not add to your good reputation, and in the end it can be dangerous. You cannot be 100% sure of your friends, you cannot look into their heads and read their thoughts. But to convince her is very difficult. Tell me, please, are we doing the right thing with my husband when we forbid our daughter to sleep out? If so, how can it be conveyed to her that this is not correct and that it is impossible to do so.
Question author: Natalya Age: 53
Psychologist Ladatko Marina Georgievna answers the question.
Good day, Natalia.
Your fears about your daughter are your personal distrust of the world. To let her daughter go or not is a matter of faith in the child, faith in the right choice of her friends.
The environment that your daughter chooses for herself is a reflection of your attitude towards people. You are open and joyful to the world - such people are around you. What friends do you personally have?
With whom to sleep, how many years to sleep, and what is a reputation. This is your understanding of reality. The worst thing is that what we fear most often is realized in life. You need to live freely. Let go of your fears, learn to understand your daughter. You drove yourself into fears and drive the girl there too. It is necessary to educate in a child self-respect, self-love, and then friends will also reflect love, respect and recognition to her. To love is to trust, to accept and understand the child. Guardianship, your fears are not love for your daughter! This is your fear for yourself! You are afraid to be punished - "I bear criminal responsibility for the child." You need to be afraid that there is no understanding and trust between you and your daughter. This is really scary. And giving antidepressants is the last thing you could do for your daughter. And it’s not the boy's fault that the relationship was difficult. We need to work on why your daughter chooses such a relationship, such boys! Remember, after this boy will be exactly the same next! After all, the question is not resolved your daughter’s inner well-being. She is still unsure of herself. From what you say, I understand that the therapy was only medication, but not psychological. Understand, Natalia, there are no tablets of happiness! There is work. Permanent work. Family, children - this is the dynamics of relationships, this is wisdom and work.
Why does the daughter insist on spending the night with her friends? Because, I can guess that this is how she fights for separation from you and her husband (and she had to go through this separation in her 5 years, for a minute). The separation is not physical, when I myself live, I bear responsibility for myself, and the separation is emotional, personal - I AM A SEPARATE PERSONALITY! I HAVE ITS NEEDS. And yes, these needs often go against the interests and understanding of others. Here both wisdom and maternal flexibility are needed. Have you had them, Natalya?
Natalia, it is up to you to decide whether to let your own daughter go or not. But in a situation where there is no trust, most likely not. Work on yourself -
learn to trust the world. Until you yourself learn to love, accept, understand people (and your daughter in the first place), until you establish a trusting relationship with her, while you project all the bad thoughts on her (your fears), omitting your daughter puts you at risk from her.
To solve your questions (whether to let your daughter go or not is the little bit you see), I would recommend that you take a course of psychotherapy with a good specialist - a psychologist.
Respectfully your psychologist Ladatko Marina Georgievna.
You should not categorically prohibit spending the night in another family simply because you are used to the fact that the student is at home every night. Do not manipulate your son or daughter, wanting to cause guilt with questions like: “Do you really want your grandmother to have a heartache?” Or “So you don’t need parents anymore ?!”. Make it clear that it is in his interests to tell you the whole truth about the composition of the company, the evening program and the proposed menu. The child should see that you are not going to categorically refuse, but want to know as many details as possible in order to make a decision.
Try to separate your sense of anxiety, that is, the imaginary danger that threatens the child, from a real threat to his health and psychological comfort. After all, you are hardly worried about the probability of meteor shower over the proposed place for spending the night or the appearance of wild animals in its vicinity. Most likely, we are talking about less exotic threats: food poisoning, colds, injuries, harassment, experiments with cigarettes or alcohol. Therefore, your conversation with the child, as well as with the parents of the "host" should be very specific.
To make an informed decision, it is necessary to answer 3 important questions: “where?”, “With whom?” And “why?”.
“Where?”: Set the place for spending the night
The distance from your home to your child’s bed is important. If you can pick it up from a neighboring entrance at any time, then from a cottage village located 70 km from the city, this will be much more difficult. Therefore, the number of details about the place of spending the night should be directly proportional to its remoteness. It is better to dissuade a son or daughter under the age of 12 from such a long visit if they had never been before visiting a friend or girlfriend. Indeed, in words, the student can be ready for any conditions, and once in place, he can be scared and ask to be returned. Regardless of the remoteness of the place of spending the night, it is necessary to write down the exact address of the planned stay of the child. In the case of any force majeure, information that the student is “in one of the houses at the post office, on the 6th or 7th floor” will not only not help you, but will also make it difficult to take the necessary measures.
The most important point to pay attention to is exactly where your child will sleep. Parents of his friend or girlfriend can have very peculiar ideas about how to receive guests. For example, they can offer him to spend the night on the floor in a sleeping bag, in the same bed with their child, on the couch in the passage room, on the cot in the kitchen and so on. Perhaps what other adults think is a fun adventure, you will consider a threat to children's health.
In general, when making a decision, it is better to proceed from how independent the student is in his everyday life at home. If he doesn’t know how to tuck a blanket into a duvet cover, regulate the water in the shower, is afraid to go to the toilet at night, in response to an invitation from his friends’s parents, he’s still worth answering with a quote from the famous comedy: “No, you’d better come to us!”
How to get together?
First of all, you should find out about sleeping places in the house or in the apartment. If they are not enough, then it is imperative to bring a sleeping bag with you so that the hostess of the evening does not feel embarrassed for the inconvenience. The same goes for the rest of things. If you are not sure about the availability of this or that thing, then it is best to clarify all these details with a friend who organizes a party.
When choosing luggage, it is best to give preference to medium-sized bags, as this is most practical. Taking a huge bag into which you can put the whole house is not very reasonable, while a small bag will not be able to fit all the really necessary things. Therefore, it is best to stay on an average sports bag in which everything you need will fit.
Before collecting things, it is recommended to make a list of everything that you plan to take for the night. It is best not to compile this list on the very last day, as something will definitely be forgotten.
The list usually includes such obligatory things as decorative cosmetics and personal hygiene products, pajamas, underwear, a hairbrush, a phone charger and earphones, next day extra clothes, paste and brush, antiperspirant, slippers. This list can expand significantly depending on the main entertainment of the night.
Cooking at home for an overnight stay
If a party is a wonderful way for invitees to have fun and feel the pleasure of gathering, then for a hostess, everything can turn into a nightmare. How to prepare a house for an overnight stay without stress?
It is necessary to invite friends to the holiday in advance so that they have enough time to plan everything. You can either call and invite the girls to your home, or send them written invitations. However, the hostess must immediately tell the exact date, time and place of the planned event. It will be good if the organizer mentions the other guests invited to the party, because perhaps some of the girlfriends hate "that Svetka" who almost took her boyfriend away. It is worth minimizing the likelihood of conflicts. Some, incidentally, recklessly neglect this overnight tip.
Of course, you need to take care of the condition of the house. All the nasty and unloved cleaning completely falls on the fragile shoulders of the organizer of the evening. In some cases, the hostess invites her guests for help. This is also nothing to be ashamed of, and usually friends perceive this request quite adequately. Particular attention should be paid to the bathroom and the ladies' room, as they are usually always remembered last.
It is worth taking care of entertainment accessories. No pajama party is complete without manicure, pedicure, makeup, or spa treatments. Therefore, it is necessary to put all the cosmetics on the shelf in advance. You should also take care of the music. You can turn it on on a laptop, or you can also bring speakers. It’s better to select a playlist for a different mood. For example, calm music needs to be listed in one folder, and tracks that you can dance to are in another, and so on.
You can also decorate the house with various posters, ribbons, balls or New Year's lights. This will allow guests to feel coziness and comfort, which is very important at such events.
Greeting guests is important. So this nuance is also worth noting when considering the issue of what to do with a friend overnight.
As soon as the guests cross the threshold of the house, the hostess has full responsibility for order and comfort. In the first minutes of the party, you must show the invitees where you can hang your coat, put your things on, and also mention where the bathroom is located.
If the organizer of the evening has any pets in the house, then it is better to warn the guests in advance so that later it does not turn out that one of the friends is allergic to cats or dogs.
Only half of all guests arrived? It is necessary to take something interesting already arrived. You can just chat on any abstract topics, have tea with chocolate or watch your favorite talk show.
The most interesting classes must be left until all guests of the celebration arrive.
Entertainment for teens
And now directly about what to do with friends overnight. The Network has a huge selection of topics for contests that will be to the taste of any company! For example, Crocodile, Truth or Action, ordinary catch-ups and even hide-and-seek will become quite amusing if a really fun company has gathered for the night.
You can get board games or play the usual "fool". Also, some decide to bring various game consoles, despite the widespread stereotype that only boys love video games. Sometimes girls can still show good results in this hobby! If the joysticks are not enough, then you can play in turn. And the rest can do something else at this time.
Scary stories and ominous atmosphere
What can you do overnight with a girlfriend? Of course, tell scary stories! This is a classic. Dimmed light and scented candles create an incredibly mysterious atmosphere, from which goosebumps immediately appear. A great addition to all this will be terrible stories that everyone should read in advance.
In everyday life, all these horror stories seem so implausible, stupid and meaningless that you want to laugh. However, in such a special atmosphere, even the bravest of her friends will feel a slight chill on her skin. So go ahead with the horror book!
Fun and energetic dancing
This option is the exact opposite of the previous one. But what to do at night with a friend at night if you don’t dance, have fun and have fun in full? Only music must be selected in advance. Much depends on the playlist.
It will be good if all the girls have the same taste, but if this is not so, then the hostess should make sure that the music is different, and not just the one that she prefers. You can ask guests to bring music with them to a flash drive or just ask them to write the names of their favorite songs. Music should be energetic and dance so that you don’t feel like bored and sitting under it. In addition to dancing, light music is perfect, which will further decorate this unforgettable evening.
The most ridiculous, funny and fun fashion show
How to spend the night for teenage girls to have fun? Very simple! Get to find as many clothes, accessories and shoes as possible to start combining the incongruous! It’s not worth it to take it seriously or biased, the main thing for spending the night with friends is the fun that everyone receives and creates.
Let the guests and the hostess try on heels for sweatpants or sports sneakers for a long evening dress. It is necessary to add as many decorations as possible so that the image looks even more ridiculous and funnier. And the main thing is to remember that this is not a real fashion show where you need to clearly think through the clothes you wear.
A lot of fortune telling
Fortune-telling will be a great way to spend an evening and a cozy night. Another immortal pastime classic.
Fortune-telling is the most common entertainment for girls sleeping together. Who does not want to know their future fate? If you open a list of possible fortune-telling, you can be surprised how our ancestors were dreamers, or, conversely (according to all these fortune-telling), wise. One can find fortune-telling by coin, by hair, by shoe print, by thread, by coffee grounds, by what time you sneezed or yawned — in short, almost everywhere our ancestors tried.
We arrange our own beauty salon
What a night without manicure, pedicure, masks and makeup? That's right, there is no such thing! All girls love to bring beauty to their face and body, so why not do it all this evening with your girlfriends? With them, everything will be much more interesting and funnier.
For comfort, you can turn on some relaxing music and just talk about nothing and everything in the world. Many people stop precisely at this option of pastime, when the question arises as to what to do at an overnight stay with a girlfriend. It is better to compile a list of procedures in advance, because you will need to prepare everything for the event. By the way, for the sake of interest, you can come up with a whole SPA-complex.
Secrets and gossip
What to do at night with a friend? There are many ideas, but the easiest to implement, which does not require absolutely nothing, is ... communication. At a time when the girls are engaged in their ladies' affairs (that is, they paint nails, do makeup, etc.), the most laid-back and secret conversations are conducted. Do not hide the fact that almost all girls love to gossip and tell some of their secrets. А тут такая благоприятная возможность – вечеринка!
Развлечения для взрослых
Как правило, чем старше становятся люди, тем больше меняются их понятия о развлечениях и веселье. Поэтому, если ночёвка происходит в, мягко говоря, не подростковом возрасте, и развлечения будут кардинально отличаться. Итак, что делать с лучшей подругой на ночевке, если вам уже не по 16 лет?
A good option is to watch a movie together. It can be painfully funny comedy, action, horror or love melodrama, or some kind of funny talk show. The main thing is not to choose too boring films and take into account the interests of all the guests, and not just its majority. For the film you can buy some harmful products, such as chips or sweets, order sushi or pizza at home, grab a couple of blankets and a bottle of wine.
By the way, a good idea is to have an evening of memories. You can review your favorite films with which some memories are connected, communicate and nostalgic.
Romantic candlelight dinner with friends
An excellent alternative to teenage entertainment is a cozy dinner with wine, a tasty snack and relaxed conversations. It so happened that girls at any age love to gossip, discuss their husbands / boys / children, or just share plans for the future. In addition to all this, quiet relaxing music and dim lights are great.
You can bring along a couple of fashion magazines, psychology magazines, and anything else! Sitting on a cozy sofa, covered with a warm blanket, with your girlfriends - is this not coziness and comfort? You can briefly forget about everyday boring things and just look through fashion magazines, choosing one or another outfit.
Other tips and tricks
The invitees should not take with them a bunch of things that are then unlikely to be useful. It’s better to take the most necessary and be sure that everything is at hand.
Guests also need to take not only home clothes, but also a day off. Because often friends just go for a walk in the park, to a club, to a theater or to a movie.
Do not go to bed very early. Even if the hostess of the evening got used to go to bed at ten o’clock, then one evening you will have to sacrifice for the good fun.
The invitees do not need to bring with them something that will distract from the general fun. For example, you can read your favorite book at home, and play your favorite game on the way home or to work.
Participants of the celebration should avoid quarrels and disagreements as much as possible, since they can ruin the evening very much.
In addition, the girls need to ask the hostess of the evening in advance what to take with them for the night. You do not need to come to a friend empty-handed, even if she politely answered in the negative. You don’t need to rack your brains for a long time - just bring what will be universal: scented candles or sticks for the atmosphere, a couple of chocolates, coffee, wine, juice, etc.